Forget Fitting-In, Exceptional Teams Are Built on Belonging

Estimated reading time: 4-5 minutes

Let’s talk about a social phenomenon that we’re all too familiar with:

Fitting in.

Nobody likes to feel left out, especially not at a place that is already so intimidating for many - the workplace. In order to not be left out, we’re all too familiar with the feeling of having to adapt to the people around us. Like a social chameleon, blending in to our surroundings, not upsetting the peace, not rocking the boat - but unfortunately, not really making an impact either.

If it’s exceptional teams and performance you’re after, you don’t want a team of chameleons.

Fitting-In vs. Belonging

There's a crucial distinction between merely "fitting in" at work and experiencing a profound sense of belonging. When we talk about fitting in, we talk about conforming. We change, suppress or exaggerate, parts of ourselves in order to meet the expectations and norms of the people around us.

Is that really a bad thing though? On the surface it mightn’t seem so. I mean we’ve done this since we were kids, no?

The thing about fitting-in, it’s driven by the fear of rejection. We believe that if we somehow like all the same things that others like, and do all the things that others do, we’ll be accepted. If we don’t, we’ll be ostracized. Only that acceptance comes at the cost losing who we truly are.

As best described by Brené Brown, "Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you really want to be, but they don't care one way or the other."

Belonging is about being accepted, valued, and embraced for who we truly are.

So you see, fitting-in isn’t really a bad thing, but it’s hardly inspiring. To have to go life masking who we truly are because we think who we are isn’t good enough to be accepted by others - wouldn’t you rather be you, and be loved for it?

The High Price of Just Fitting-In

Like we mentioned, chameleons don’t change the world, and so teams of chameleons aren’t going to do so either.

When people are just trying to fit in, they don’t do anything exceptional. They don’t do anything to stand out from the crowd, offer any differing opinions, don’t work harder than anybody else, and they don’t think of anything someone isn’t openly thinking about.

Fitting-in, and environments where people feel the need to fit-into, condemn you to an environment of conformity and it’s consequent mediocrity.

The Power Of Belonging

Here’s how belonging works it’s magic.

When people feel like they belong, they don’t feel like they have to hide who they truly are - they are empowered to bring their full, authentic selves to work.

When people can show up fully to work, they show up with all their strengths, talents, ideas. Bringing new ideas and diversity of thought into your teams, giving you an environment of creativity and innovation. People who aren’t afraid of being shunned or ostracized are more empowered to speak up, challenge the status quo, and take sensible risks, moving your organizations forwards.

Being able to show up authentically and unapologetically keeps people engaged, as their strengths and talents are celebrated and utilized at work, so people stay longer and give more to work while they do so.

Fostering A Culture Of Belonging

That’s all well and good, but here comes the age old questions - how do we create this in our teams? Let’s run through it.

1. Examining Your Authenticity As A Leader

As always, with anything to do with people, it starts at the top. Behaviours are caught, not taught - so when it comes to fostering an environment where people feel like they can show up as their full selves, leaders need to ask themselves:

“Am I showing up authentically as a leader?”

Giving yourself the permission to show up authentically is the first step in making others feel like it is okay to do so too. When people feel like their bosses are suppressing parts of themselves, they feel like it’s something they have to do too. As cliche as “walk-the-talk” is, that’s what you’ve got to do.

2. Foster Close Relationships

People will only begin to let their guard down when they feel like it is safe to do so. The closer you can get to your people the safer they feel to come out of hiding.

With closer relationships, the more you will know about your people. When you learn more about who your people are, you can slowly encourage them to bring different aspects of themselves out more at work too, until they are comfortable to bring it all.

3. Ensure All Voices Are Heard

There is a theory called the 10th man principle. It is a decision-making strategy that originated from the Israeli intelligence community after their failure to anticipate the 1973 Yom Kippur War.

The core idea is that if there are 10 people analyzing a situation or making a decision, one person (the "tenth man") should be assigned to argue against the consensus view, no matter how convinced the other 9 people are of their position. This example is a little more extreme, but here’s what you can take from it:

Celebrate difference.

When all voices seem to be unanimous, something should ring alarm bells for you. In a world where everybody is infinitely unique - in background, experiences, expertise etc. - it is more likely that people in your team are hiding what they truly feel, than you having unanimous agreement.

One way leaders can combat conforming behaviour is to speak last, ask people for their opinions, and remember to thank them for giving them. Make sure that it is not only expected that people share their opinions, but that it is demanded of them.

Exceptional Teams are Built on Belonging

So, forget fitting in. Remember, when we think of exceptional teams, we don’t think about a team of chameleons, blending into the background as best as they can. Not offensive, sure, but not exceptional either.

Think more like a peacock. Be unapologetically you. Show up with your full plumage captures the essence of true belonging - wholehearted self-acceptance, authenticity and courage. In doing so, empowering others to do the same too.

Whenever you’re ready, here’s how I can help you:

Explore My Relationship Accelerator program for leaders:

→ If you’re still struggling to unlock the potential of your people and would like to make some meaningful change - our relationship accelerator program helps your leaders learn all they need to know about building effective relationships to drive success - in one day. Check it out here.

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