Giving Feedback: Is Honesty Truly The Best Policy?

I’ve been training leaders on how to give feedback for a while now, and a concern that I always get is:

“What if I give feedback and they don’t receive it well?”

And here are some of the common ways I’ve seen leaders deal with this concern and what ends up happening.

“The Compliment Sandwich”: Sandwich bad feedback in between 2 pieces of good feedback. Instead of the receiver getting a clear indication that they need to work on something, they leave thinking they’re doing a decent job (because 2/3 of the “feedback” was positive), or after hearing the bad feedback, forget the 2 pieces of good feedback and still get upset.

This method is often called the compliment sandwich, but we won’t name a sandwich after the bread but it’s contents - so I prefer to call it what it is: a shit sandwich.

“Avoid All Together”: Avoid the confrontation all together - justify it by asserting that the reaction would have been poor anyway. No feedback gets given, nothing gets better, they go on thinking they’re doing a great job.

“Let Them Down Easy”: Instead of being direct and straight to the point, dilute your point with assurances, words of affirmation, and soft language - making the feedback seem less serious than it is. By letting people down easy, you’ve diluted the message, the receiver ends up confused at what they actually need to change (if they are even aware that a change needs to be made at all).

I’ve found that any variation of tactics used to soften the blow of feedback doesn’t work. When giving feedback the two most important outcomes are that receiver leaves the conversation with:

1. The awareness that a behaviour needs to change.

2. That a behaviour change is being demanded and is necessary.

For that to happen, you need the truth. The cold, hard, truth. All though it doesn’t necessarily have to be delivered cold, or hard.

The Truth May Hurt, But You Don’t Have To Be Hurtful

Here’s where most managers struggle to make the distinction between what is actually hurting the other party. Is it you who is hurtful? Or is it merely that learning the truth (especially when it is something about yourself) is unpleasant?

Many managers are afraid that the truth will hurt - and them being upset by the information will ruin the relationship. Nobody wants to be the messenger who gets shot.

However, remember that the truth is the truth. It is a recount or an observation. It is not emotionally charged in and of itself. So other than ensuring you deliver the truth in a respectful manner, there is little you can do to change another’s reaction. Their reaction to the information may be emotional

So when it comes to feedback we have to be clear on who is responsible for what.

- You are responsible for telling the truth.
- They are responsible for their response.

If they are going to be upset - that’s on them.
If they are going to get defensive - that’s on them.
If they refuse to appreciate the feedback and use it as an opportunity to grow - that’s on them.

The most you can do is ensure that you are delivering the truth in a way that it can be received effectively. With empathy, understanding, and most importantly (and often overlooked) clarity.

If people get upset, chances are they are more upset with the news - than they are with you for telling it to them.

At the end of the day, their response to feedback will also let you know about their attitude to personal and professional development, and learning!

Think of Giving Feedback Like A Break-Up

If you’ve ever broken-up with someone, or been broken-up with, you would know the importance of a good, clean, break.

Feedback is no different - the last thing you would want to happen is that in an attempt to “let them down easy”, you end up making it complicated and drawn out. Accept that a feedback, like a break-up, is just one of those things that will always be uncomfortable. But with all things, they get easier the more times you’ve had to do them.

Unfortunately for leaders, you will encounter moments where you have to give feedback, a whole lot more than you’ve had to break up with someone (hopefully…?). So, why not get better at it!

Lastly, And Most Importantly

I know that giving feedback can be pretty unpleasant at times. We might want to avoid giving that bit of feedback because we’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, or if they get defensive.

If they’re going to cry, let them. If they’re going to get defensive, let them. But don’t let your fear of discomfort deprive someone else of the truth and the opportunity to grow.

Whenever you’re ready, here’s how I can help:

Check out our Feedback Factor Program for Managers

→ If you’re struggling with getting the best out of your people. We help teach your managers a simple and easy to execute system for using feedback to effortlessly change behaviours, improve teamwork and drive performance. To find out more click here

Or reach out to me at [email protected]