Leadership Is Caught, Not Taught.

I’ve been training managers for a while now, and while I am training, a common question that pops up in my head is… “why do managers do that?”.

There are these common unhelpful (and even harmful) behaviors that consistently pop up in management across different industries and contexts. Avoidant, confrontational, politicking, authoritarian, apathetic managers everywhere, and I always wonder,

Where did they learn this?

Who taught them to do that?

Do they really think that’s helpful?

Has it even ever worked?

Then it dawned on me - herein lies the challenge of corporate leadership:

Nobody has ever been taught how to lead.

Maybe It’s Not Your Fault

The fact is, most of us have never been taught how to lead at all. At least not until you’ve reached a certain point of seniority - where your companies deem you worthy of being properly trained. By then, often the damage has already been done and you’ve managed people for quite some time.

If that opportunity even comes, prior to that, who has actually been taught to lead properly?

I’ve never been given a manual for being responsible for another person’s life and wellbeing, to have difficult conversations, to align misaligned perspectives, to connect deeply a bunch of strangers whom you merely work with, and even harder - to motivate and engage them?

There’s little wonder why most managers are uninspiring, ineffective, or just plain horrible. They’re set up to fail, really.

How Did You Learn Leadership?

Sure you can learn about leadership from a book, but what you execute is more a product of what you experienced rather than what you know.

I remember my earliest lessons in leadership. Who was teacher? My parents.

“You don’t need to know why, just do as I say”.

Sound familiar?

From an early age we are taught that influence comes from authority, power and status. Your parents can flex authority over you because, well, they’re your parents. You parents were really your first boss. Your second boss you meet pretty shortly after in school.

Do as you are told, your teachers are in charge of you.

Then in university where it’s your lecturers, in part-time jobs where it’s your supervisors, and finally, when you enter the corporate world, where you meet your managers.

There are a lucky few that get out. Who are lucky enough to be met with tender, caring, heart-opened, managers - who care about you and the other people they lead. For those lucky few, they catch the bug. They learn a different way to lead, through relationships, kindness and collaboration. They were fortunate enough to learn that because they had that version of leadership to experience, observe, and model.

If you are not as lucky, you meet more “Do what I say” leaders, destined to become one yourself. To no fault of your own, you were not taught any better.

More accurately, you weren’t given a chance to experience, and thus model, anything better.

Because as hopefully you’re starting to see, leadership is caught, not taught.

What Have You Caught?

Take a look at your leadership. Now, I am aware that not everybody who reads this is a "leader” by corporate definitions, so it is important to remember: leadership is influence, not a title or a position.

Take a look at how you deal with other people? What habits have you caught? Where did you catch them?

Are we being intentional about how we go about dealing with others, or are we merely executing what we have experienced from those who have come before us, destined to fall to the same blind-spots and make the same mistakes.

Maybe you approach conflict the way you were approached in the past?

Maybe you give feedback the same way you were given feedback.

Maybe you run meetings the same way meetings were run when you first started your job.

We tend to do the same things that we done unto us because that’s all we know.

Even today, I have close friends who spent large parts of our childhood complaining about how they were parented, making large claims of “when I am a parent, I’ll never do that”, only to see them now as young parents, parenting their children in the same ways they vowed never to do.

Unless we have consciously made the effort to learn alternative methods, and intentionally do things differently, we are destined to do continue the cycle.

Building Better Leaders

Role modelling is the way the human brain learns almost all complex behaviours, attitudes, and skills. So to build better leaders, young professionals need to know good leaders up close.

So when it comes to developing more good leaders in your organization… you need more good leaders. Well, duh.

So we need better leaders. But better how?

Better in the sense of role modelling a more tender, caring, open-hearted, form of leadership. We need leaders who genuinely care and exhibit care to the people who they lead. Who are intentional about the impact they have on others and desire to have a positive one.

But also better in the sense of competence. We need skilled leaders, who can fulfill that intention. Who can navigate challenging and complex social situations with nuance and sensitive to context.

When it comes to leadership development priorities, organizations need to look for developing more empathetic and emotionally intelligent leaders who look at management through a people-first approach, followed by helping them pick up the skills to help them execute their approach effectively.

Break The Cycle

I know this section probably makes little sense considering I’ve spent the better part of the last 5 minutes telling you that you’ve likely picked up some bad habits. But there is always something we can do to make a difference.

Break the cycle.

I mentioned that I have close friends who now parent the exact way they hated being parented, and that they have fallen into that trap because they likely have not learned alternative ways to parent, nor have they made a conscious and intentional effort to act any differently.

That’s how you break the cycle.

1. Level up

Learn new skills and heighten your understanding of people, leadership and management. Develop new awareness around you actions and the potential impact you have on others, and learn a new way to operate.

2. Make a commitment to change

It might come unnatural at first, but commit to doing things differently. Every new skill feels uncomfortable for a while, until you’ve done it enough. The only thing harder than picking up new habits, is trying to replace bad ones. Remember, some of these poor leadership habits have been ingrained into us since childhood. You might even have to do some apologizing along the way.

Finally, commit to becoming a good role model of leadership for those around you. You might not have had one yourself, but it doesn’t mean everybody you lead shouldn’t have one either.

All the best!

Whenever you’re ready, here are 3 ways that you can work with me:

1. Invite me to speak at your organisation:

→ If you want to help your people pick up some valuable skills, and perspectives on leadership that will help move your organisation forward, I can help you out with a short talk or workshop

2. 1-on-1 coaching for leaders with heart:

→ Are you a leader with a heart who’s never felt comfortable conforming to the corporate definitions of what a leader should be? I offer 1-on-1 coaching for leaders who want to make an impact, increase their reputation as a leader, and succeed without feeling like they have to compromise or lose out.

3. Explore My Relationship Accelerator program for leaders:

→ If you’re still struggling to unlock the potential of your people and would like to make some meaningful change - our relationship accelerator program helps your leaders learn all they need to know about building effective relationships to drive success - in one day. Check it out here.

Reach out to me at [email protected]