My Life Depended How Well & Quickly I Could Build Trust. Here's How I Did It.

Estimated reading time: 8 to 9 minutes

I always get asked this question. “You teach leaders? How many years of experience as a leader do you even have?”

The answer in my head is always, I have more people experience than most, but not enough to satisfy someone who would ask this question. Today’s edition is going to talk a little bit about how I learned more about people & leadership than most leaders ever will - in a job that I led nobody.

A little bit about me.

I used to work in psychological services on University campus. Counselling was part of my role, but also part of my role was being on-duty personnel. In 3 years on the job, I’ve seen almost every circumstance you can think of.

Apart from what you’d expect from Uni campuses, the occasional nervous breakdown or drunken brawl. I’ve also been the first responder for psychotic episodes, incidents of self-harm and attempted suicide. I’ve been first responders to victims of rape and sexual assault, and have also spoken to accused rapists. I have been met with people going through life-long depression & anxiety, eating disorders, dissociative identity disorder, and many more.

To add to that. I am not a psychologist. I did not have a clinical role, and have never had one. Of course a lot of my work was from people came to me looking for help, but the stories I draw on in this piece, the bulk of my work, was from on-duty incidents - where people were not in calm moods and accepting that they needed help, but almost the exact opposite.

You’d Better Build Trust Quick

For the purposes of this article itself, my work taught me a lot about building trust in a short amount of time. That’s what I needed to do to be good at my job.

You see, when it comes to being the first (and only) one present when people need psychological help, the question is: how do you, as a complete stranger, build enough trust in a short amount of time to have them do what you say.

(Isn’t that just a manager’s dream?)

Some managers can't build the level of trust to do so in years, let alone minutes. And that’s precisely it. There are no consequences of managers not building trust successfully. At least not any consequences that matter. So why the need learn or do it well?

For me and my work, not being able to build trust quickly could (quite literally) be a matter of life and death. For myself, or the person in front of me.

So going back to how I started the article - I may not have “leadership” experience. But I do have plenty of people experience when it comes to connecting, building trust, and getting to the core of what is important to people - quickly.

Today I’m sharing with you the method I learned from approach hundreds of incidents successfully (and some unfortunately unsuccessfully too).

1. Who Are You & Why Are You Here?

Whenever I would get to an incident, I would start with my name, who I worked for, why I was there, and the outcome that I wanted. No nonsense, no fluffing about. Which brings us to the first lesson in building trust: be honest.

People appreciate the truth. I never acted like I was there to "chit chat", or to "be their friend". I was there because they had a problem, or were causing a problem. I had a job to do, an ideal outcome I was working towards, and it doesn’t do anybody any favours by beating around the bush.

Too many managers try to beat around the bush. They assume that if they have a motive they won't be trusted. As if it is bad to want something done. In fact, it's trying to act like you don't have a motive (when you do) that makes you untrustworthy.

So, this first step is about coming clean.

"This is me, this is what I want from you."

So from the very beginning everyone is clear about where this conversation is going. No tricks, no games, nothing sneaky. You’re saying, “You can trust me”.

They might not like you, like who you work for, or your objective, but at least they’ll know that you’re honest. That’s more important.

2. Listen genuinely

I was once tasked with stalling someone until the police could come. This person was having a psychotic episode, they were aggressive and was potentially becoming a danger to himself and others. So when I got my call up, my intention was clear. Assess if the police needed to be called, and if so, stall long enough for them to arrive.

So I was listening, but not really. I'd send location updates so the police could find us. This person saw right through me.

"If you want me to trust you, throw your phone across the road", they said.

They were getting more and more aggressive, agitated, and mistrusting the longer our convo went on. Here’s the thing about people having psychotic episodes - they tell you what they’re thinking. There is no masking, no politeness, or sugar-coating. If they don’t trust you, they’ll say it.

(Trust me, your people pick up on your insincerity instantly - they just won't say it to your face)

When I refused. They said “you’re communicating with someone, who are you talking to?”,

“Nobody” I responded. Another lie.

They immediately ran off. It turned into search mission, I lost all control of the situation, which eventually became a chase where the police had to subdue them. That failure was on me.

The lesson I learned then and there was - listen like you mean it. People pick up on insincerity. Just that there are rules of engagement in society, and you can’t just tell people that you think they are not really listening - this incident told me that people pick up on it, but just won’t say it.

If you want to build trust, people have to know you really care - and mean it.

3. Observe and act accordingly.

I used to look out for one thing when going to incidents - are they potentially a harm to themselves or others? That was the most important factor.

If they weren’t? Good. I could take my time and build trust slowly. That changes my entire demeanor and approach. I don’t have to push and I don’t have to rush them to do anything they’re not ready to do.

How we would deal with more dangerous people was to push them to small bits of action. “Maybe lets go somewhere quieter?”, or “Maybe I can hold that bat for you?”, are examples of small actions we’d try and get them to commit to as quickly as possible. Often we’d get met with resistance, and we’d try the next smallest action.

You see, if you can get people to do something, no matter how small, you can likely get them to do another thing. However, getting them to do something is the challenge, and if you push the boundaries of their readiness to comply too far, mistrust sets in. “What are you trying to get me to do?” comes into their mind.

At the same time, too little urgency isn’t the answer either. If they are ready to be invited to take some action, and you miss it, disengagement and disinterest can set in. Once they’re disengaged, their mind wanders back to where they were before you piqued their interest. You’re now back at square one again.

The lesson for leaders, your approach has to match the circumstances. So if the situation allows you to approach it slowly and calmly, take it. Don’t inject the intensity into it. I see too many managers get too excited about small situations. Little hiccups or small mistakes, getting blown out of proportion. But not everything is a code red. Actually, rarely is it ever.

To build trust you want people at ease. Comfort is a vital condition for building trust. So don’t push people too far beyond what they are willing to do too soon. Make sure the level of intensity you apply matches the circumstances. Keep people comfortable, but maintain interest, that’s when trust can get built.

4. "Come with me"

My golden line to get people into action would be something along the lines of

“Why don’t we do that together?”

You see, corporate leaders love this word but don’t really know what it means. The word is alignment.

You see, Alignment is not getting them to agree with what you want. It's about finding out what they need, and empowering them to get that (through what you want to do).

When moving people toward action, especially action they don’t necessarily want to take, you need to make them feel like you are doing it together. Or even better, help them believe that they’re actually doing you a favour. Together is key.

Trust is about relationship, togetherness. Corporate managers make the mistake of wanting all the trust without any of the togetherness. Don’t believe me? What’s the corporate definition of trust?

“I just want to be able to trust someone to do their job well without me having to be there.”. Sound familiar? Pay attention to the emphasis on “without me being there”, when we are so obsessed with not wanting to be around, how are we to make people believe that they matter?

Trust, in the corporate leadership setting is the absence of presence. That’s the fatal flaw. Trust at it’s peak is not about no longer having to be there. Trust at it’s peak is about them knowing you are there for them, even when you’re not.

So whenever I felt it was time to move them into action, I’d do so with an invitation. It could be something for us to do together, or something I needed their help with.

“You said you wanted some fresh air, how about we go get some together?”

“You know, it’d really help me feel more comfortable if we were sitting down. Could we maybe sit over there together?”.

Togetherness is key. Co-create action together. Sure, it might be a one-person job, but consider how you can phrase it or set it up in a way that makes them feel like they aren’t doing it alone. That they aren’t just doing it for you, but with you.

Build Trust Like A Life Depends On It

Because it may. You may just see dealing with others something you have to do for your job, but you never know when you’ll need a trusted person, or more importantly, when they’ll need you.

Even if that day doesn’t come. Will building trust be helpful for your influence, reputation as a leader, driving performance in your teams? Yes.

You see, at the end of the day, what is leadership if not centered in the very heart of what makes us human. Trust, connection, togetherness, and working together. The context of it really doesn’t matter. Trust is trust. People are people.

I learned how to build trust quickly because I had to. So take my lessons, without the same consequences I had if I failed, and apply them to your leadership.

Go make an impact!

Whenever you’re ready, here’s how I can help you:

Explore My Relationship Accelerator program for leaders:

→ If you’re still struggling to unlock the potential of your people and would like to make some meaningful change - our relationship accelerator program helps your leaders learn all they need to know about building effective relationships to drive success - in one day. Check it out here.

Or reach out at [email protected]