It's Not What You Say, But How You Say It

Estimated reading time: 5 to 6 minutes

Every leader and manager has experienced (in some shape or form) communicating something with zero ill intent, only to have your audience take it horribly.

I’m sure you meant well, or you might have meant nothing by it, but somewhere along the way, your recipient added some meaning to your words and twisted it into a completely different message in their mind.

It’s not your fault… right?

If this has ever happened to you. You’ve fallen victim to misinterpretation of intent. Your intended audience has somehow misjudged the intention behind your message - and it’s your fault. That’s what we’re here to talk about.

It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It.

…and you’re probably saying it poorly.

You see, when it comes to communication: it’s delivery - not content - that is key.

Let’s break down communication and it’s purpose in the workplace,

Most of the time, in work-related interactions, your communication is looking to achieve the following:
1. Awareness of a problem or a task
2. A future outcome (either to solve the problem, change behaviour, or execute the task)

It could be giving feedback, briefing on a task, a request etc. Whatever the purpose of speaking it’s going to more or less fulfill these 2 points.

Your communication struggles come from how you’re attempting to deliver that message.

And here’s why your delivery issues come from:

You assume that the other person knows exactly what you are doing (or saying) and why you are doing it.

(Mis)interpretation of Intent

“But isn’t it obvious?”

No.

It’s not obvious. Neither is it common sense. To you it might be, but you need to remember that when you are communicating, you have full information: Background, objectives, context, history - your audience doesn’t

They don’t know what you know! They don’t know why you’re speaking to them, and chances are, they aren’t even aware of anything they’ve done. So when we’re communicating, it is vital that we avoid that assumption.

Here’s how we do that.

Can You Say It With A Question?

Recapping, the main purposes of communication at work is to achieve:
1. Awareness of a problem or task
2. A future outcome

Can we do that in a way that doesn’t assume intent and open up the opportunity for misinterpretation of intent? Yes.

It involves using less statements, and more questions (the right kind of questions).

Questions, when asked the right way, leave the opportunity for an open-ended response - not simply just a rebuttal or acceptance. Statements, and poorly asked questions typically include a judgement and are close-ended, leaving your audience with little choice but to agree or get defensive.

Here’s some examples:

Statement:

“You are always late.”

Closed ended. The only response is either to accept or defend yourself.


Poor Question:

“Why are you always late?”

Closed-ended again. Although delivered as a question, this almost seems more accusatory than a statement. The only response is either to accept or defend. How many of us consistently choose this option?


Invitational Question (this is what we want):

“I noticed you arrived late, and it seems like it’s not the only time. Is everything okay?”

Open-ended. Non-judgmental. No assumption of intent - and does it still bring awareness to the problem? Yes. Most importantly, it does so in a way that the recipient doesn’t feel accused or attacked.

They are made aware of the problem, have been lightly aware that the behaviour isn’t acceptable, but by removing the judgment and assumption behind the statement, it can be communicated in a way that reduces defensiveness but also shows that you care.

Herein lies the power of the invitational question.

Ingredients Of An Invitational Question

So what is an invitational question.

1. It’s non-attributive. It states an observation, expressed from your perspective, without assigning any attributes to it (good or bad, right or wrong) or making a judgment. Use phrases like “I noticed…”, “I sense…”, “I get the feeling that…”.

2. It invites the other person to share their perspective, or take some action.

Here are examples and why they’re good:

Examples:

Example 1:

Statement: “Your report was horrible. Go fix it.”

Poor Question: “Why was your report done so badly? Can you go fix it?”

Invitational Question: “I noticed there were a couple of mistakes in the report, would you be able to take a look and make changes?”

Sure, the report might have been done poorly, and riddled with mistakes, just say that. “Horrible” and “badly” are judgments and make the listener feel lousy and attacked. “Can you go fix it” versus “would you be able to make some changes” are practically the same, just that one has a softer feel to it.

Example 2:

Statement: “This is basic stuff. I can’t believe you still can’t do this well.”

Poor Question: “Didn’t you learn this when you started? How can you not know how to do this simple task?”

Invitational Question: “You seem to be making a few fundamental mistakes. Would it be helpful if we went through some fundamentals together?”

The message is, “you are making mistakes you shouldn’t be making.”. Does that message get across? Yes. In a way that it’s better relieved instead of aimed to make them feel lousy. For the question, an “is everything okay?”-style question wasn’t appropriate. Instead, I went for a more action-based invitation. Showing that future outcome intended is that they refresh their knowledge, while offering support in doing so. The floor is still open for them to say “no, but I will do a refresher on my own.”.

Example 3:

Statement: “It’s too late. If you told me earlier I could’ve done something about it”

Poor Question: “Couldn’t you have told me earlier? What do you expect me to do now?”

Invitational Question: “I appreciate you telling me, but it’s too late for us to change anything about outcome now. The next time something like this happens, could you alert me earlier?”

I like this one because I think it’s particularly relevant. This example shows that you can still put your foot down, set boundaries, and assign responsibility in a non-accusatory way. The invitation is also a lot more proactive than the statement and poor question. Instead of using the opportunity to make the recipient feel bad, it’s used to change behaviour and set expectation for the future. It’s in the form of an invitation, but really what it’s saying is “don’t do it again”.

I know many leaders feel a “softer” approach let’s people walk over them and push boundaries - this example shows how to choose the more productive approach while still holding accountability.

Conclusion

Remember, it’s not what you say, but how you say it.

Practice by thinking of those 2 objectives that you’re looking to achieve.
1. Bring awareness to a problem
2. Move toward a future outcome

Then work to design what is the best way to phrase it in an invitational question. Remember, it’s a new muscle that you’re going to be building, you’re literally trying to change the way you think and communicate, so it will take some getting used to and practice - don’t give up.

It’ll eventually become second nature.

As always, all the best!

I’ve got one more cheeky example of an invitational question for you.

“It seems to me like you’ve been putting lots of effort into improving how you communicate. I know a great guy you should follow that could help - would it be helpful if I sent you one of his articles?”. 😂

Whenever you’re ready, here’s how I can help you:

Explore My Relationship Accelerator program for leaders:

→ If you’re still struggling to unlock the potential of your people and would like to make some meaningful change - our relationship accelerator program helps your leaders learn all they need to know about building effective relationships to drive success - in one day. Check it out here.

Or reach out at [email protected]