Understand To Be Understood

Reading time: 5-6 minutes

If you’re reading this newsletter, you likely deal with other people on a regular basis. Whether in the context of management, leadership, or as part of a team, if you deal with people you’re probably too familiar with the struggle of:

Getting others to agree with you.

We’ve all been there. Trying to speak your mind; using logic, facts, even hard statistics, to no avail. Crafting arguments, hours of preparation, even running different scenarios in your head, only to have things go completely different when the conversations starts.

Worry not. Because you know what I’ve found? People tend to be a little bit more dismissive when they haven’t been given a chance to speak their mind.

No, But You’re Not Listening.

It’s funny. We are all too familiar with the feeling of being in a “conversation”, and not being able to get a single word in. Getting dismissed, interrupted, and even when you do get a word in, it gets misinterpreted or taken out of context. Isn’t that absolutely frustrating?

Do having conversations like that make you want to listen to even more? Make you more open-minded? Consider others’ perspectives more?

No. In fact, it does the complete opposite. Funny thing is, when it is our turn to change someone’s mind, we tend to employ the exact same strategy, knowing full well the impact it has on the other person.

So how do we go about being better understood? I’ve got 4 steps.

Understand To Be Understood

If there was anything I’d want you to take from this article, it’d be to remember that,

People become more understanding when they feel understood.

They do not want to be convinced. They do not want to be educated. They do not want someone on the other side (you) telling them what is right and how they are wrong. Deep down, we all just want to feel validated and acknowledged - and it is only when we feel so, that we open our minds to what others have to say.

Let’s get into it.

Step 1: Listen to Understand

Your first objective is to understand as much as you can about what is going on in the others’ mind.

Fundamental to this first step is to inhibit your own need to make judgements, evaluate, or interpret the motives behind what they are saying. Key to listening to understand is that you are listening for them, not for you to reply.

A few mindsets shifts for you when listening to understand:
1. Nobody gets to be completely right or wrong
2. Everyone’s reality is real to them
3. They have access to a completely different set of information as you do

Step 2: Be Curious

Remember, you are trying to understand and learn as much as possible about what they are thinking, feeling, and experiencing. Especially if others are not used to feeling heard, you might need to put in some work and ask follow up questions to get them to open up.

Be curious. The common mistake people make when they believe they are being curious is to ask questions from their own frame of reference, or attempt to get answers to confirm/deny a hypothesis they have.

Instead, ask open-ended, non-attributive questions. The shorter the question the better too.
- “What was the impact of that?”
- “How do you feel about that?”
- “What would you have done differently?”

Questions with the only aim of finding out more.

Most of the time, people have not taken much time to carefully consider their actions, thoughts, or feelings. Having to put things into words forces us to arrange our thoughts and feelings in a comprehensive manner, which often reveals to us the logic or flaws in our own thinking. Just by being asked questions.

I’ve had conversations where, purely by asking questions, others’ have reached the conclusions I was hoping they’d reach - all on their own.

Step 3: Acknowledge

Make them feel validated and understood. Acknowledge their experiences with little statements scattered throughout the conversation.

- “Wow, I can imagine that must have been difficult.”
- “That was a very brave thing to do.”
- “I sense that practicality is important to you.”

Little statements to show that you are not just listening to what they are saying, but also learning about who they are as people from their responses, and acknowledging them for that.

This is crucial, as while listening and being curious allows them space to speak, it is only through acknowledgement that others truly feel like they are being heard and understood.

Step 4: You May Seek To Be Understood

When you feel that they have said all they needed to say, it is your turn. But how will you know they’re ready? Well, chances are they will ask you.

Remember when I said that making others’ feel understood makes them more understanding?

You will reach a point in the conversation where they feel they have said their case, you have heard their case, and they will invite you to share your perspective.

Here’s what to do when that happens.

Step 4a: State Your Intent

Just because they’ve invited you to share your perspective, you shouldn’t go in all guns blazing. Your message requires nuance too.

Do not go in trying to make your points right away, instead, begin by speaking about your intentions. The purpose of sharing your point of view, what you hope the intended impact will be, and why speaking about this is important.

Step 4b: State Your Points

Then you can speak your points of view. But when you do so, speak from your perspective. Do not point fingers, blame, or bring up anything they told you to use as “ammunition” - that will only get them defensive and undo all the hard work you put in to get them into an understanding mood.

Use “I” language, where you speak to your point from your own experiences alone.
- “I have felt unfairly treated”
- “I fear that this approach will be detrimental in to us in the long term”

Conclusion

“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as your own” - Henry Ford

That’s all!

Remember, for any resolution to be reached, all parties need to have open-minds. Understanding reciprocates understanding, in the same way that dismissal will only ever be reciprocated with dismissal.

So if you ever find yourself in a predicament where you feel you need to change someone’s mind. Don’t attempt to say a thing until you’ve made them feel understood.

Whenever you’re ready, here’s how I can help you:

Explore My Relationship Accelerator program for leaders:

→ If you’re still struggling to unlock the potential of your people and would like to make some meaningful change - our relationship accelerator program helps your leaders learn all they need to know about building effective relationships to drive success - in one day. Check it out here.

Or reach out at [email protected]