Why Self-Awareness in Conflict Is a Superpower for Managers

We all like to think we’ll handle conflict well. That when the tension rises, we’ll stay calm, respond thoughtfully, and lead with purpose.

But the reality is, when emotions run high and pressure sets in, even the best of us can slip. We get reactive. We shut down. We default to old habits. And often, we don’t even realise we’re doing it.

That’s why I believe self-awareness is one of the most underrated (but most powerful) skills a manager can develop, especially when it comes to difficult conversations.

Because when conflict arises, whether it’s a performance issue, a clash of personalities, or a missed expectation, it’s not just about what you say.

It’s about how you show up in that moment.

You Can’t Manage Conflict If You Don’t Manage Yourself First

Think back to the last time something didn’t go to plan.

Maybe a team member let you down.

Maybe a meeting got heated.

Maybe you had to address behaviour that crossed the line.

What was your instinctive reaction?

Did you jump in with blame?

Did you retreat and avoid the issue?

Did you try to smooth it over and hope it would fix itself?

These responses are more common than you might think. In fact, psychologists John and Julie Gottman identified four particularly destructive behaviours that often show up during conflict, and they're just as relevant in the workplace as they are in personal relationships.

These behaviours, which they called The Four Horsemen of Communication, can be effectively managed with self-awareness and understanding of your own triggers.

Let’s break them down, one by one, and, more importantly, discuss what to do instead.

The Four Horsemen (and How to Spot Them in Yourself)

1. Criticism

This goes beyond raising concerns. It attacks someone’s character.

Here is an example:

“You never take ownership. You’re just lazy.” vs. “I noticed the deadline was missed. Can we talk about what happened?”

Criticism turns a conversation into a personal attack. When it becomes habitual, it drives people away and erodes psychological safety.

2. Contempt

This is criticism’s nastier cousin — sarcasm, mockery, eye rolls, and passive-aggressive digs. It stems from a place of superiority and breeds resentment fast.

“Wow, thanks for showing up… eventually.”

“Typical. Always someone else’s fault, isn’t it?”

“Never mind, I’ll just do it!”

Contempt isn’t just toxic. It’s contagious, and in teams, it spreads quickly.

3. Defensiveness

This one’s sneaky. It often feels justified. But when you respond to feedback or conflict by deflecting blame or making excuses, it shuts the conversation down.

“I’ve been swamped, okay? Maybe if you communicated better, I wouldn’t have missed it.”

It might protect your ego in the short term, but it blocks resolution and damages trust.

4. Stonewalling

Shutting down, withdrawing, and going quiet. This one's usually triggered by overwhelm, but when you stop engaging altogether, it leaves the other person hanging, and it makes resolution impossible.

Silence. No response. Avoidance.

Or: "I'm too busy to talk about this right now."

Sometimes taking space is healthy, but stonewalling is a way of avoiding, rather than addressing, issues.

What Self-Aware Leaders Do Differently

The best managers don’t avoid conflict, nor do they bulldoze through it. They notice their own reactions, pause before responding, and choose how they show up.

That might look like:

• Recognising when your tone is slipping into sarcasm

• Catching the urge to blame and instead asking questions

• Admitting when you’ve made a mistake (and modelling ownership)

• Knowing when you need to take a short break to calm down before continuing

• Self-awareness in conflict isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being intentional.

• Because when you understand your own patterns, you can interrupt them, and lead in a way that builds trust, not tension.

What This Means for Your Team

When your team sees you handle conflict with honesty and control, it sends a powerful message:

“I can trust you to be fair.”
“I can bring up difficult things without fear.”
"You won't punish me for being human, but you will hold me to account."

That’s how you create a culture of openness and accountability.

That's how difficult conversations stop being feared — and start being normal.

And that's how strong, resilient teams are built.

Final Thought

You can’t control how other people show up in conflict. But you can control how you do.

And that starts with paying attention to your own behaviour, knowing your triggers, and choosing curiosity over criticism, calm over chaos.

Because when you lead with self-awareness, even in the tough moments, you show your team what real leadership looks like.

Whenever you’re ready, here’s how we can help:

Want to help your managers handle tough conversations with confidence and care?

→ Check out our programs on conflict, communication, and leadership — practical, proven, and built for real-world challenges.

Or reach out directly at [email protected] — I’d love to hear from you.